Ask Ms. Kelly

Beginning this month, N’Digo will feature, Single Mama: Ask Ms. Kelly, a column by Kelly Williams, founder of www.singlemamahood.com and author of two parent advice books—Single Mama Dos & Don’ts and Single Mamahood, Advice & Wisdom for the African American Single Mother. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 40 percent of U.S. women giving birth are unmarried. More than 70 percent of African American moms are unmarried when they give birth. N’Digo is committed to improving the lives of a growing generation of children born to single moms by doing what Ms Kelly calls, “reducing drama for the single mama.”

Dear Ms. Kelly,
I am a single mother of two children, a daughter who is 4 and a son who will be 3 soon. Their fathers are nowhere in their lives. My question is, what do I do when they start asking about their fathers? Both of them are at a "daddy crazy" stage. My son has never seen his father, and will scream at the top of his lungs that he wants his "daddy." My daughter is asking questions about whether she looks like her father and where is he. I don't know what to do or say. My heart is hurting.
— A Single Mama in Pain

Single Mama,
I understand your anxiety. Why are your kids' dads not in their lives? Is there any way they can be contacted? Despite what may have happened between you and them, do you think either would be willing to see the kid(s) sometimes? If the issue has to do with money, can you set that aside for just a moment and deal with it separately from the visitation issue? Are the dads incarcerated, married, on drugs or totally not interested in any kind of relationship with their offspring? If the reason there is no contact is your choice, you must revisit the reason. Unless these guys are perverts or abusers (and something tells me you would not have made a choice to sleep with such creeps), you've got to hold up the white flag and retreat for the sake of these beautiful children.

Meantime, you’ll have to tell your kids the age-appropriate truth.

"Where's my daddy?"
"He lives in Texas (or wherever)."

"Why doesn't he live here?"
"We were once a couple, but we split up. Sometimes that happens with grownups."

"Can I see him?"
"Unfortunately, it's not up to you. Sometimes grownups are the biological parents of kids, but that doesn't mean they are always the parents who raise them. Sometimes that changes, but it's never up to the kids."

"Does that mean I'm bad because I don't have my daddy?"
"No. Lots of good kids and ones who misbehave never see their dads. It has nothing to do with you at all. You must always know that whenever someone else’s choices hurt you, it’s not your fault.

Also, you must find positive males to do “guy stuff” with your kids—your father or brother or uncle or cousin. (Just not your boyfriend, however, as he may not stick around. If a boyfriend is serious enough where he gives you a ring and a date, that's a different story. But you do not want your kids to experience any possible heartache you may suffer from “break-up-to makeup” men in your life.) The kids need to be in activities with strong, committed male role models—martial arts, church youth programs, Big Brothers, Big Sisters mentors, Boys & Girls Club staff, coaches, etc. And if you have family and/or good friends at church or in your neighborhood who are strong married couples, ask them to visit, become friends, etc., so your kids can see how marriage is supposed to be. This will increase their odds of never having to go through what you are experiencing as a single parent.

This stuff is hard, but the goal is to raise kids who are strong, secure, smart and happy so that they will keep making you proud as they grow older. And sometimes, that means serious sacrifice.

Also, if the children are acting out as a result of not seeing their fathers, please seek family counseling to support you and them, as things could get worse as the kids grow older.

Bottom line, how you handle the daddy issue will impact how the kids handle it.
—Ms. Kelly

If you have a Single Mamahood question for Ms. Kelly, email her at advice@singlemamahood.com.